I have written this post over and over again. Then I delete it. Rewrite it, delete it. Just trying to find the words within myself. I find myself broken. Completely Broken. Sometimes, no most of the time, I wonder why God chooses me/our family for things. I do believe he chooses us to walk through things. To grow us and what not. To break us of “ourselves”. When I find myself at the end of a trial, I can look back and see His hand and His purpose. It is in the midst of the storm that I have trouble seeing sometimes. That is why Jesus told Peter to keep his eyes on Him, so he would not sink. I need to keep my eyes on Him, so I stay focused and not sink.
But I find myself today… struggling with all that is going on. I know God sees me. I know he sees what is going on. I know he is near. I know he is feeling my pain as a mom. But I struggle. Why can’t it just be easy. Silence is all I hear today. Maybe God is just letting me get it all out before he replies. But right now my vision is blurred from the tears. And I am completely broken inside.
We have been praying, begging God for direction as to what we should do withour friend and baby. We know for sure Kim will be in Teen Challenge. We know for sure that baby will be able to be adopted. I say that I know for sure, but in all reality, she could keep her. There is that slim chance. We have felt that we were to adopt her. We never thought we would feel that way. We never thought we would fall in love with her. We were just being obedient to God, when He asked us to take them in.
We have fallen in love with her. She has become part of our family. I have given her a part of my heart. I have loved her like my own. But last night, I got in my car after a nice dinner, and I hear the Lord whisper to my heart, “Baby is not for you to keep”…… “what!!!” is all I could think! It was very clear, there was no mistaking his whisper. But, Lord we love her, we can provide for her, our kids love her, she is the sweetest little thing. What does that mean Lord? How can you allow me to fall in love with her and then ask me to give her away? Why is our home, not the right home? I just don’t understand. My heart, hurts.
We do really want what is best for Baby, and I do love her enough to obey the Lord. But obeying comes with a price, and it is not always easy. Sometimes it hurts so bad. So we are at a cross roads now. So if you want to pray for our family, you can pray that God will continue to give us clear direction, we are praying that the right family will be there to adopt her (yes we do have a family that we would like her to go to, and they are willing to take her), and that my heavy heart will be filled with joy. We have NO idea if/when all this would take place. We are just waiting on the Lord. We are going to continue to love her like our own. Until she has to leave.
The last thing we would want to do, is be disobedient to God. We want HIS will. Not ours. Sometimes I would like to think that mine is better, but I know it is not. God has a plan for our friend and baby. He has guided us until this point. And we do know that He will continue to do so throughout this process.
This journey is going to be hard. But who ever said this journey in “life” would be easy.
So we shoved them all back in the box and taped it up! 
