New Chapter

Well, It has been a long few weeks. We have kept most stuff under wraps for the sake of my sanity!

We started our adoption of Krystina after the last family had to pull there name out due to her becoming so ill. And the dr. recommended to us to adopt her our-self. He did not feel she could handle it. And many other professionals recommended the same thing. We never went into this to adopt ourselves. We went into this whole ordeal to serve a mom and a child. It has been a journey. We did fall in love with her. I love her like my own daughter. My husband loves her like his daughter. She will forever have a piece of my heart. We started the adoption in Feb. of this year. Everything fell into place. Still had contact with birth mom. She was doing really well in her program. We were so proud of her and still are. About 3 weeks ago she decided that she really wanted to raise Krystina. She wanted a second chance. She felt really ready to be her mom. We were SHOCKED! Here is the deal though, I would never take that chance away from someone who has worked as hard as Kim has to get better. She really has. I want to honor her in that. We have said from the beginning this is not about us, but about these 2 people that the Lord allowed us to help, to bless, encourage….we REALLY just wanted to be open vessels that the Lord could use. And he has used us. He has grown us. Stretched us. We have lost extremely close friends through all this, and we have gained new ones. I have learnt so much about myself, my family, kids, life, but mostly the love of the Lord. What it means to love unconditionally. To love how the Lord loves us. To love with no stipulations. Just love.

Fast forward with me a week, we brought Kim to our home to see how Krystina would do around her. Remember she has not been with her for over a year. And during that year she has seen her like 3 times and Krystina would just scream. NOT this time. She loved Kim. Could not get enough of her. That was confirmation enough for us that the Lord was doing something. At times during all of this, I have asked, why do I have to go through such great loss? Why use us in this way? Why allow this to happen now? I never received some really great answer from the Lord but to just wait upon him. And we have. We have prayed, cried, laughed, probably experienced every emotion possible.

Fast forward another week. And we brought Kim home again because Krystina was sick and calling out for Kim. She had never done that. EVER! When she saw Kim, she lit up so big. Kim stayed with us from that point on. A door opened for her to go to a family Teen Challenge center and rebond with her daughter and continue to learn how to be a mom. We knew she could not stay here, since that would have been so confusing to Krystina. She was calling me mommmy and kim mommy. We asked the Lord to open a door and he did….I just thought I would have more time. I had a week to really prepare. It was the LONGEST week of my life.

This past Monday we drove a very long time, as we drove I found myself rambling about her favorite colors, foods, toys, things to do. It was so painful. We got them settled in there new place. I hugged Kim tight and told her how proud I was of her for all that she has done and all that she was going to do. I picked up my blue eyed, blonde hair, fun, full of life daughter and held her so tight. I kissed her little cheeks and told her how much I loved her. At that point I lost it. I did not want to put her down. My flesh wanted to run with her. But my heart new that this was the right thing. And the Lord will honor and bless it. I set her down….and had to walk away….I felt like I walked miles to my car (it was only like 30 feet). As tears flowed down my face, all I could think was I know the Lord loves me so much and his plans are better than mine. He never said they would be easy. I am learning to rest in that.

So today is Wed. It has only been 2 days. Our house is so different. My youngest keeps asking me to go wake her up from a nap. Or go get her. I am finding her stuff all over the house and I will have to eventually pack it up. I am not ready to do that yet. This weekend when Tony has off we might do that. We have one less car seat. One less person at the table. One less everything. Wondering about every hour how she is doing. Is she hungry. Is she hot or cold. Like I said this road is not easy. We are healing. We spent more time with her then her birth mom ever did. For us, it is like a death. But then again, I have peace because I know she is in a safe place with her mom. It is weird.

We will continue to support them as they get on there feet there. And we will be in contact with them as well. They have adopted us as there family, since they have none. Again, the Lord is teaching me to love even though it hurts sometimes. Kim really wants to stay part of our family and we have told her that we would love for her to be part of our family. So in a year we will see them again, but until then we will just communicate via mail and phone calls in order for Krystina to really bond to her mom

We are transitioning into a new normal. New routine. And we appreciate the prayers as we learn to live with one less baby in the house.