I had a breakdown…

Yes, you read that right. Don’t worry the plans are still moving right along. None of that has changed. I went to go get my hair cut tonight. It was so long overdue. Anyways, during the whole time the Lord kept impressing on my heart that I need to love. And I kept saying in my head, I do love Lord. Then, tell me what love is Heidi. Okay, I am thinking this is ridiculous. I am getting my hair cut and “Lupe” was trying to have some ridiculous conversation with me and so was the Lord. So I kept thinking of what love is. Can I be honest. I was on purpose leaving a lot of the definition out. Cause, well I just did not want to think about it at the time. You know I just wanted to tell the Lord what I wanted him to hear in that moment. So silly, right? And then the scripture 1 Corinthians 13 came to my mind:

” 1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I thought about this scripture for about 10 minutes. Then “lupe” asked me another question about my kids and I lost my train of thought. So he finishes my hair cut, and I am feeling pretty dynamite! I thank him a millions. Call Tony to let him know I am running to target to get groceries. I am beginning to feel emotional. But I need to get to Target, because we literally have no food to eat. And I needed to make school lunches and what not. So I go in. I feel like I am just wandering around. Could not focus. I started throwing stuff in the cart. I am actually not even sure of everything I bought. But I must have got a lot because I spent $100. And then I let my mind go. God, you just dont understand how hard this is for me? Why are you doing this again, please remind me? Where did my peace go tonight? Where is that joy you promised? You promised that you would not give us more than we can bear? People tell me all the time that everything we go through the Lord understands right where we are at? How can it be so right, but hurt so bad? You just don’t understand! And then tears started to roll. Remember I am walking around Target. So I head for the curtain aisle, there is usually not very many people back there. The tears at this point were just streaming. I kept wiping my face. I stopped when I got back there. And very quietly, the Lord reminded me that He does know what it is like to give up a child. He gave up his ONLY son for me and you…so that we might have life. His peace was still there. His joy for me was still there. He did not give me more than I can bear. He does see right where I am at. And he does understand. And just because it is right, does not mean that it won’t hurt. He did not promise us that we would have no trials or tribulations. As a matter of fact, he said we would have them. At that point, I just melted. I walked to the front of the store…crying the whole way. The cashier, said, “are you having a good night mam?” I just looked at him and said, “well does it look like I am having a good night?” And I asked him if he would hurry me through because I wanted to get home. I stood there and cried the whole time. I would have loved to hear what he was thinking. He probably thought I was nuts. I am doing better right now. I am just going to have to allow myself to grieve. It.is.hard.

So this is where I am at tonight. We are still on track for all to go through. I still love this family. My heart just hurts. It is just that simple. Remember what I said, it is so right…but it still hurts like crazy.

I am happy that the Lord understands where I am at. And I am happy that the Lord never changes.